He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
