And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
she looked like the before picture.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
