hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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