They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The air was thick with penises
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
