i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
