You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
