the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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