he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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