I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
