Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
