I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
