My underwear smells like fireworks.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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