I just saw a hot homeless man
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
