my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
