You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Send help, water and tortillas.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
