my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
