farters have to be the big spoon...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
