God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
