I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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