they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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