Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
