Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
