By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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