i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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