Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
