can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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