if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
