Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
