I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
