It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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