Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
