Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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