Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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