I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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