she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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