the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
