nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
