worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
