I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
