Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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