Nicole vs. Life
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
