exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
