All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
