I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
