I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
