yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She's like a pop up book from hell.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
