I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
