WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
