garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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