So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
